19 Reasons Why You Should Never Visit Belize
Disclaimer: This article is intended to be satire and read with a silly sense of humor.
1. Belizean Food. The food is so bland, it borders on tasteless. Rice and beans? Been there, done that.
2. Belizean Wildlife. There’s hardly any wildlife roaming Belize. All 139 species of reptiles don’t count because they don’t roam, they slither.
3. Belizean Music. Belizean music could put you to sleep—as long as you stay several beaches away from all of those drums and percussive instruments.
Belize Barrier Reef
4. Belize Barrier Reef. Once you’ve seen a Great Barrier Reef, you’ve seen them all. Who has time to spend hours gazing at one of the world’s greatest natural wonders?
Belize Blue Hole
5. Belize Blue Hole. So what if it’s the largest sea hole in the world? A Jacques Cousteau film and a six pack of beer can be just as thrilling.
6. Exotic Birds. We’re not sure who took the time to classify the 500 species of exotic birds identified in Belize, but we recommend telling this person to get a life.
7. Belize Jungle. Jungle zip line drops, rafting, bugs and bug bites don’t spell relaxing vacation to most folks—unless they’re all in therapy.
8. Belize Jaguar. How can visiting one of the world’s most famous jaguar sanctuaries on Earth compare to touring the British motor car showroom?
9. Ambergris Caye Belize. Is there a particular reason you want to spend a fortune visiting Ambergris Caye when the place is also known as the Mosquito Coast?
10. Placencia Belize. There are 12 miles of beaches running down the Placencia Peninsula. You’ll get bored after mile one. We guarantee it.
11. Caye Caulker Belize. Make way for the production crew filming the next iteration of Sharknado at Caye Caulker.
12. San Ignacio Belize. It’s never a good idea to frequent inland Belize named for a saint whose family crest features two rampant gray wolves flanking a cooking pot.
Belize Maya Ruins
13. Belize Maya Ruins. Once you’ve seen one building that’s been abussed and neglected by an irresponsible, absentee slumloard, must you see more of them?
Big Rock Water Falls
14. Big Rock Water Falls. Stand on top and risk falling. Stand below and risk drowning. What part of Belize waterfall risks don’t you understand?
15. Belize Fishing. It’s possible to craft some of the world’s biggest fish tales when nobody’s around to photograph your catch.
Belize Luxury Resorts
16. Belize Luxury Resorts. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to decide on just one luxury resort. Instead, stay home and take a bath until the urge passes.
Belize Cave Tubing
17. Belize Cave Tubing. If you’re trying to avoid kids, stay as far away from Belize cave tubing hot spots as possible.
18. Belize Beaches. Life’s a beach. The sand that settles into your knickers could make that life a very long and uncomfortable one.
Scuba Diving in Belize
19. Scuba Diving in Belize. Scuba diving can cause you to get the bends and drown. Leave that sport to the turtles.